Actually, America Is NOT A Democracy

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This past Fourth of July, like all Independence Days, was first and foremost about showing off your patriotism. And since America is such a diverse country, different people have different ways of showing how patriotic they are. For some people, it means only drinking Budweiser from red, white, and blue cans, for some people it means wearing your Back to Back World War Champs tank top every day of the long weekend, and for others it means blasting noted pro-war anthem “Born in the U.S.A.” as you shotgun beers and make the case for a pre-emptive strike on North Korea. Patriotism truly comes in all shapes and sizes. For me, patriotism is learning even more about what makes America great, including all the stuff they don’t teach you in school. So to recover from a long weekend of drinking and partying, here’s a little history lesson and three facts about America you probably didn’t know.

1. America is actually NOT a democracy

That’s right, that Alexis De Tocqueville guy was full of shit. That’s what you get for letting a French guy try to teach you anything about America. What’s that you’re saying? “Oh Tummy Sticks, you’re so dumb, of course America is a democracy!”  Well guess what, I’m about to let you in on one of the biggest secrets in American politics: America is actually a republic, not a democracy. This is a fact that almost no one knows, and if deployed properly, it can used to win almost any argument. If you are ever arguing about any political issue — whether it’s abortion, gun rights, or how reverse racism is often a much bigger problem than normal racism — and your opponent mentions anything about America being a democracy, cue up the Mortal Kombat music, because you’re about to go in for the fatality. Cut your opponent off with a drawn out accctuallly, pause for dramatic effect, and then drop some knowledge on top of their head. Once your opponent has erroneously stated that America is a democracy, you’ve automatically won that debate, and can move on to the next comments section or Reddit forum.

2. You thought Republicans were racist? Well guess who founded the KKK

Democrats love to accuse their Republican opponents of being racist. It is like their third favorite thing after quote tweeting twitter threads with “OMG! This.” and reminding people that Hillary won the popular vote. But when you point a finger at someone, you’re pointing three more back at yourself  — and in the case of the Democratic Party, those three fingers have “K”, “K”, and “K” tattooed on the knuckles. The Democrats and the Republicans are like the Original Six of American political parties, and ever since they were both founded in 1776, they have been going at each other’s throats. And although the Democrats love to play the racism card now, they’ve got some skeletons of their own in the closet. The founders of the Ku Klux Klan were all committed southern Democrats who were just as easily identifiable from their #ImWithHer bumper stickers on their horses as from their white hoods. You know who freed the slaves while the Democrats were trying to figure out a green, eco-friendly way to burn crosses? That’s right, Abraham Lincoln. A Republican. Very few people know this. Even more recently, some of the most vehement opponents of school integration efforts were staunch Democrats. The segregationists who are still alive today are too old for Twitter, but if it existed in their day, they would have surely been in Eisenhower’s mentions with elaborate tweet threads about collusion with Kruschev.

3. The U.S. has not been in a war since World War II

Yep, you heard me, the United States of America has not fought a war since we won our second World War ring and definitively stamped our HOF status, ‘Murica. I can hear you now, “Tummy sticks, your a idiot, my grandpa fought in Korea, my dad was in Vietnam, I’ve literally been to Iraq.” Well guess what idiot, technically, none of those were wars. The last time the United States Congress officially declared war was against Japan following the attack on Pearl Harbor. This was a great fact to know in the early 2000s when the Iraq War protests were at their peak. Anytime some spoiled college kid was protesting about the “unjust” war in Iraq, you could counter with “actually, it’s not a war, it’s an authorization of military force,” which would completely negate any point he was trying to make. So next time you’re wearing your “Undefeated Since 1776” shirt and some dude with dreadlocks who smells like patchouli starts yammering on about Vietnam, let him know, you can’t lose if you’re technically not playing.